(If you’re my boss: This is all totally a joke. Such a joke. I’m pretty funny, aren’t I? With my silly jokes.)
“Family emergency.” Translation: I need you to ask no questions. The family is not mine. It’s a television family. Yes, I’m just binge watching Netflix. Dunder-Mifflin feels like family to me at this point. I’ll probably call my grandma to assuage my guilt.
“I’m having a hard time focusing.” Translation: I’ve been crying on the floor, due to depression.
“I’m sick.” Translation: My depression kept me in bed all day.
“I’m fatigued due to illness...” Translation: My depression-induced insomnia kept me up all night.
“My wifi isn’t working.” Translation: Wow, depression makes it really hard to do things.
“My computer isn’t working.” Translation: Wowza, I’m so depressed I can’t even be bothered to flip open my laptop and press the on-button.
“I have a sore throat.” Translation: Good lord I don’t want to go to this meeting we have with the people from finance, I don’t wanna I don’t wanna I don’t wanna....
“I’ll work later to make up the hours.” Translation: I’ll log on and scroll listlessly through my emails for a half-hour tonight before giving up and playing the Sims.
“I have a doctor’s appointment.” Translation: That one’s usually true actually.
“I need a mental health day.” Translation: I’m going to Disneyland on your dime, mofos.
Tag urself, I’m #ineedamentalhealthday.