8 Ways to Escalate a Situation and Make it Much, Much Worse

You've done it. Said the wrong thing, insulted somebody, brought up an unpopular political opinion.

There are a number of ways to make the situation calm down again so everyone can enjoy it.

But you're a complex person with thoughts! Those thoughts are really important! People should have to hear them and have big emotional reactions to them! 

Here's 8 ways to make sure you keep control of the situation by fanning the flames until it's a shouting match. That'll show them!

1. Refuse to stop talking about a topic even when explicitly asked to stop.

If the words, "No, I want to talk about this!" come out of your mouth, you've probably just doubled everyone's discomfort. 

Nice work! Now all eyes and ears will be on you and your important thoughts for the next hour. 

2. Use "I" statements.

Such as "I want," "I think," and definitely "I know." Be careful not to accidentally show the common ground between your perspective and the other party's. 

Don't use "I feel," because it suggests your opinions are based on subjective "emotion", rather than ROCK HARD FACT. 

3. Laugh. 

This one only works if the situation is already past the first stages of escalation, because laughter can often be misinterpreted as a friendly or conciliatory gesture. 

To avoid this confusion, only laugh at things the other party considers extremely important and not at all a joking matter. 

4. Over text, use capital letters.

It takes an extra button click, but taking the time to hit the uppercase-lock will make it clear that you are yelling, even over a medium that is devoid of emotion and gives you time to cool down between responses. 

5. Bring up an ex, family member, coworker, boss, toxic friend, literally anyone you've ever had a negative experience with, and accuse the other party of being anything like that person.

This works even better if you accuse the other party of being like somebody in their own past that they hate. 

6. Tell the other person to calm down, be rational, or "chill."

This will immediately press their murder-button and bring the convo up ten notches rage-wise.

7. Ascribe their feelings to causes that aren't you or this conversation.

"You had a tough day at work, that's why you're upset," and "Don't take your liberal rage out on me because Trump's president," both work very well.

8. This one might be a surprise!...

Say, "You're entitled to your opinion."

It translates to, "That's an ass-faced opinion from an ass-face," while also implicitly patting yourself on the back for being the more tolerant one. Double whammy!

Tag urself, I'm #overtextusecapitalletters.

10 Gifts Literally No One But Your Mom Would Want

Crap. Christmas is tomorrow. You know your mom is going to shower you in presents and do the whole "I grew you in my womb" bit again. 

You want to give her something awesome. But mom brains are weird. They don't want stuff that normal people want. 

As she will no doubt remind you, nothing you give will ever amount to the gift of life. But you can give it a damn good try with any of these fun, cheap gift ideas!

1. Evidence you have friends and are supporting yourself.

Take a bank statement and staple it to a framed picture of you out with friends on a sunny day. Don't try and send it electronically. She'll either lose it or print it out anyway.

2. A grandchild to take care of for a month.

Literally nobody else would think being forced to provide childcare is a fun adventure, but your mom wants to take care of your kid and see if you ruined it. Your dad won't thank you, but thanking you isn't really his thing, anyway.

3. Move out.

She'll be so proud. 

4. Move back in.

To be honest, she didn't want you to leave in the first place. Now she can stop having nightmares about you getting kidnapped in the Big City and get back to cooking you huge meals while pointing out your weight gain.

5. Three pairs of the same sunglasses.

That way, when she leaves them at the gym, in her car, at your place, at her work, in Target, in the bathroom, in the purse she left at the movies, etc., she'll have a spare. And then another spare. Come to think of it, just get a sunglasses subscription service. 

6. A trip she doesn't have to plan.

It doesn't even have to be a big trip. Even just to the local supermarket. But if she can get in the car and go along for the ride without having to worry about every little detail, it'll be like the French Riviera without the sunburn and gambling. 

7. Get Dad out of the house for an afternoon.

This might seem counter-intuitive. Why would I give Dad an outing as a gift to Mom? Doesn't Mom want to go somewhere with us? No. Mom wants to sit at home for once and watch what she wants on TV without your dad switching between three action movies starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 

8. A poem you wrote.

Seriously, this shit goes down like fireworks. She'll probably cry. It'll be great. Just don't be dumb and use something you actually wrote. Steal it online. 

Music lyrics are good too, but only if she's never heard it.

9. Get a better boyfriend/girlfriend/personfriend for her to meet.

Somebody with a job, for chrissake. It'll make her so happy. But she has to meet them and they have to make a good impression, otherwise it won't work and when you say "My personfriend" she's going to hear "mysterious possible-murderer-drug-dealer". 

10. A funny mug or magnet.

They're like two dollars but moms go apeshit over them. 

Congrats! Now you're the best child. Take that, your dumb brothers and sisters who just got mom gift cards and blankets. 

Tag urself, I'm #apoemyouwrote.

10 Quick Ways to Feel Like a Heroine in a Novel

Let’s face it- life is dull. Books are exciting. Things happen to people in them, and people have feelings. Exhilarating!

Bring that kind of excitement into your daily life with these quick ways to feel like a heroine in a novel. Romance and adventure not guaranteed.


1. Dye your hair brown. 

Getting the right shade can be difficult. It needs to look to you like the plainest plain of the plain browns, but to others like a sumptuous chestnut shade. Give those exact instructions to your hairstylist.

Anne Hathaway in any movie is a great example.

2. Lock eyes with a stranger across the room. 

They can be either an attractive or menacing stranger. Preferably both.

3. Have a huge spat with your friends and family, causing a temporary to permanent separation, putting you in a liminal space where you undergo new experiences and meet new people who bring you to a new stage of self-awareness.

4. Trip and fall. 

Bonus points if you get an injury as well as an illness that keeps you in bed for weeks. Make sure your mom knows to let the love of your life sit by your bedside in concern.

5. Be an orphan. 

If you’re not already an orphan, this step can be tricky, but a true plucky heroine never gives up!

6. Move to a new school or, if you can’t move right now, fall in love with the new kid. 

If he’s pretty gross, start by being enemies. Over time, your arguments will show each other your true selves!

7. Join an institution that will undermine and underestimate you. 

Such as any job at any company!

8. Seek a mentor. 

Preferably in a mountain somewhere. Bonus points if they’re cranky. If you can’t get to a mountain, you can take karate at your local community center.

9. Cultivate a dark secret or hidden sexual fantasy. 

If you don’t really have one, a quick way to get one is to borrow $20 from a friend and not pay them back. Or sell your soul in exchange for everlasting life.

10. Constantly talk about how all your friends are books, you’re so introverted and clever, and did we mention all of your friends are books?

https://me.me/i/josh-gondelman-follow-joshgondelman-not-to-brag-but-i-sigh-3e8c5c8f02e4494e9adee9df9a1d7fac

Tag urself, I'm #allofmyfriendsarebooks.