10 Ways to Sound "Well-Read" Without Ever Reading

I know you're busy. I understand. I also know you want to impress people with your intelligence without them being all judgmental about the whole not reading thing. 

These simple tips will have you looking like the intelligentsia in no time! Just be wary, the philosophers and academics are the first to go after the revolution comes.

 

1. Instead of saying "I didn't read [insert book name], it's too long," say "I didn't finish [insert book name], it's full of gratuitous filler." 

You definitely could have finished Moby Dick. You chose not to. For aesthetic reasons.

This is a real art print for a children's room... Strange inspiration.

2. When someone asks if you've read a specific book, say it's not in your milieu. 

That means you're rejecting it socially, instead of rejecting it in favor of Disney+.

3. Describe small tasks as "The Hero's Journey."

Went to the store at a busy time? You accomplished the Hero's Journey. You're basically Odysseus.

4. Also, compare yourself with Odysseus. 

He's a guy who went on a really long trip and left his wife to handle everything on her own. Next time you get into the car for a long drive, shout boldly, "Like Odysseus, we struggle onward!" before you start driving.

5. Respond to requests with "I would prefer not to."

It's from a short story.This guy decides to stop doing things. It's about existentialism. And like, why do stuff? He's a folk hero for people who don't have to work to feed themselves. Use his catchphrase to up your cache.

6. Refuse to read "popular" books. 

By avoiding books and repeatedly telling people you're avoiding them, you'll appear even smarter with no work. Avoid whole genres this way! SciFi, Romance, Historical Fiction, everything really!

7. Recommend bookstore cafes. 

They're so hot right now. For bonus points, get a latte and sit in one for a while. No need to open a book. Talk about the aesthetic.

8. Put literary quotes on your Instagram. 

Be mindful of what they imply. Shakespeare quotes imply you have feelings. Ernest Hemingway quotes imply you're a white man with things to say. Jane Austen quotes imply you have a sense of humor. Be ready to back that up!

9. Call a book "derivative." 

Since all stories are inspired by thousands of years of human storytelling and at least several hundred years of novels, everything derives somewhat from previous work, so it works for anything.

http://www.sfcenter.ku.edu/SF-Defined.htm

10. Replace "episodes" with "chapters".

"I got through 23 chapters last Saturday when I was depressed at home. Yes, 23. Only took me 11 1/2 hours."

10 Things You Hear at Open Mics (that you'll wish you never did)

I have had the pleasure of being subjected to some of the greatest unknown talents and some of the most hopefully-will-remain-anonymous stand-ups in my own burgeoning comedy career. I highly recommend you check out open mics, there’s a lot of great performers out there who need your feedback to hone their craft.

Before you go, though, let me prep you for what you will not be expecting, and what you’ll wish you could unhear.

“So I was banging this HOT girl-”

You were not. Why you lying? We all know you’re lying.

“So I was high off my ass-”

Okay that’s probably true, this might be an interesting bit about open-minded drug use-

“And banging this HOT girl”

DAMMIT.

“I’ve been single for almost six years now. I know, shocking right?”

Nice attempt at self-deprecating humor. But that is a long-ass time to be single. You probably would have an easier time finding a significant other if you didn’t advertise your unlikeability at open mics every Tuesday.

“I’m not saying I’m a pedophile, but…”

… … … Then just don’t say it? Don’t say any of that. Please.

“My wife is trying to divorce me, but it’s hard to get a lawyer from my basement!”

The worst part is, when the joke doesn’t land, they proceeded to explain. That they’ve locked their wife in the basement. So she can’t make calls. And it’s hard to find a lawyer if… you can’t… find a phone… If your bit makes the audience call 9-1-1 and report you, rethink the wording, at least.

“I’ve started masturbating at least five times a day.”

Are we supposed to be impressed by your ability to withstand loneliness or your ability to withstand friction?

“Did your dad not beat you? Mine did.”

Why, just tell me, why is this in your repertoire? Your audience is made of two kinds of people: either they have never been beaten by a family member, and they are now scared of you and open mics in general, or they have been beaten, and now you’ve triggered them. There’s “catharsis” and there’s “unnecessary” and we’ve all got to learn the line.

“I hate [insert color here] people.”

Okay, if you’re an underrepresented minority, and you are making this statement toward the overrepresented majority (I’ll let you fill in the blanks), and this either comes as a surprise punchline or a completely warranted statement, then okay. That can possibly be funny. But otherwise it just gets everybody squirming. Instead of listening to your set, we’re now all thinking about identity politics, and though it’s a necessary discussion, maybe it’s not one to be had at 7:30 PM in the back corner of Roasted Beans Coffee Lounge.

“I don’t wash my beard. I like it all-natural.”

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

“Sooo that joke didn’t land. Good to know.”

You will hear this after 85% of jokes. Open mics get more laughs at comedians admitting they bombed than at the actual bits they prepared. But that’s what open mics are for, so actually, number ten is a good one. It might seem painful, but every bombed joke is bringing that comedian one step closer to stardom.

So please. No pity laughs. For god’s sake, help them learn.

Tag urself, I’m #ihatewhitepeople, but only because I don’t have the energy to be #ivestartedmasturbatingatleastfivetimesaday.