Wednesday, January 15, 2020

20 New Year's Resolutions You Might Actually Keep

Not to sound cynical, and let's not dwell on the fate of last year's resolution... (buried under a night of tears and merlot, and not fancy merlot)... ... ...

Okay, maybe we're dwelling.

And that's my point! You need resolutions that will help you feel uplifted and ready to conquer the world.

Here are twenty (THAT'S RIGHT, TWENTY. WE'RE GOING BIG FOR NEW YEAR'S BABY) resolutions you'll actually want to accomplish, and are actually good for you.


1. In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, go the f*ck to sleep.
Do yourself a favor and take that nap. Not because you've "earned it" by sacrificing your soul to capitalism. Because it's necessary to function as a human.  


2. Hug more.
There's all kinds of endorphins going on up in your brain when you hug. It's like an endorphin party. Like an endorphin NEW YEAR'S BASH every time you get a good squeeze. It's science.*
*Definitely not science
3. Read a fiction book.
I swear I'm not going all ivory tower elitist on you. But the adrenaline hit when you realize you're at the end of a full story that lasted over one hundred pages... Woah. You'll feel like a champion, and you got some accidental introspection in while you were being entertained! Sorry.

4.  Find new music.
It'll open up conversation topics with a whole new branch of people, which is neat and convenient at the parties you swore you won't go to anymore after new year's eve was such a shit-show.


5. Watch that show people have been recommending but you always go "Oh yeah, I should watch that," and then never do. 
The point is not necessarily that the show is actually better than other shows (unless it's The Good Place). The point is then you can talk about it with people who care about you. It's a pretty easy way to deepen a bond, since you can do it while eating cheetohs.


6. Do more weird shit.
Climb a thing. Go to a place with a vague, unusual name. Die your hair. Die somebody else's hair. Comment aggressively about misspellings of commonly swapped words. Do stuff that you're pretty sure you won't tell your kids about. That stuff is often the best (or at least funniest) stuff. 


7. Buy art from a local.
Take a hot second at a farmer's market or gallery to splurge (whatever amount you can comfortably splurge) and get something specially made by a local artist. You'll feel warm, fuzzy, and connected with your community when you look at it gathering dust on your shelf or wall.


8. Figure out your love language.
Take a quick quiz (and I didn't even get paid for this (hint hint, love languages)) on the 5 Love Languages site and figure out the best way for people to show you they care. Then tell people. Make sure they know whether you prefer a smooch or a fruit basket. It'll save a lot of awkwardness later.


9. Dance more.
It's good exercise and damn it, it feels good. It doesn't have to be in public if that's not fun for you. And it doesn't have to be any specific dance. Put on music that makes your heart feel lighter and skip around your apartment. Your body and smile will thank you.

10. Let Panda Express round up and donate your change to the children's charity. 
Or whatever fast food or grocery store you're at. But a lot of them have this option to round up or give a dollar or two to a charity. Go ahead and do it. The small kick you'll get is well worth a buck.

11. Stop looking at the news if you're already sad.
Seriously. You're already in need of a nap and a few weeks off from life. Why are you reading about the latest disaster or bigoted comment? Especially political or international. If you don't have energy to take action right now, put the phone down. 

12. Read the news more if you don't really read it.
If you're saying, "Giant Meteor 2020," maybe you need a break. But if you're not there yet, information is the first step toward change. Read up and talk about it with others.

13. You know when you were a kid, and you'd make "coupons" for your parents because you didn't have any money? And they'd say like, "1 Lawn Mowing" or "1 Free Hug"? Make those for yourself.
Except they should say things like "1 Quiet Night at Home", "1 New Outfit", or "1 Massage". Whatever will make you feel good on a rough day. Put the coupons away and pull one out whenever you're feeling low.

14. Go see more of your friends' standup/plays/performances/talks/poetry slams.
They'll be so very, very grateful that you came to their performance, you'll be feeling like a superhero all night. Nothing quite like supporting a friend, and it'll usually be fun for you, too.

15. Avoid the comments on social media.
It's bad down there, chief. And no real substance is added, even when people try real hard to take "neutral, conversational" tones with it. It's like the apocalypse out there. Don't stop over anywhere too long. Keep moving.

16. Take a multivitamin.
Gummy ones are delicious and nutritious, and it's like a ten second task that will leave you at least with the placebo effect of being healthier.

17. Go see a movie at an actual movie theater.
It's like a vintage experience. Go to a second run theater and the prices will actually be near reasonable. I know we can stream everything in the world now, but there's something about walking that sticky floor to your seat and getting enveloped in the massive screen. It makes it an experience.

18. Tell people the nice things you think about them.
If you like your co-worker's makeup today, tell her it looks nice. If you think one of your friends has decorated their house really well, tell them. Even if it pops into your head later. Send a nice text with whatever compliment just sprang to mind. It'll brighten their day, and yours.

Just stop telling people they're funny enough to go do stand up. 

19. One thing at a time.
If you went into the New Year saying "I'm going to exercise more and eat right and find a better job and start volunteering and take a class and do yoga and eat yogurt instead of ice cream and SAIL TO THE MOON" you might want to pick one to start with and focus on that. 

Make a list of what you want to do this year. Pick the most important one and work on that until you've got it down. Then move on the next.

20. Forgive yourself when you mess up your resolution.
There's always tomorrow, and nobody's perfect. Everybody needs a cheat day. Just get back at it tomorrow, and you'll make it a habit over time.  

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