Alternative Life Path #2: Consumptive Courtesan

Rat race got you down? Stressed between your desperate attempt at an unreachable artistic immortality and your literal need for food and medical care? Bored of tv?

Follow this simple guide and you'll be on your brand new life path in no time!

1. Move to Paris.

This may seem like an expensive first step, but you have to consider it an investment. There's no better place to find aristocracy, theater owners, and artists to pay for your upkeep.

Edouard Manet, Nana, 1877

2. Be charming, brash, and bold.

Pretty soon, you'll find men are throwing money at you and all the tabloids want to write about you. Ka-ching!

Make sure to be true to your own personal style while you talk up potential gentlemen in the balcony seats.

Liane de Pugy, bisexual Belle Epoque courtesan-authoress

3. Live a fast-paced lifestyle that weakens your immune system.

Everyone will think your red cheeks are a charming and pretty sign of excitement and exertion, while they're really a sign of a popular deadly disease.

If this step is taking too long, hold a "consumption party" (real thing, look it up).

Marie Duplessis, "The Lady of the Camellias"

4. Have a fight with your primary lover.

He should be a poor artist who understands your true nature better than the fashionable, rich men you usually bed.

However, you should also fight constantly, so make sure his understanding of your true nature is not too understanding.

Greta Garbo and Robert Taylor in Camille (1936)

5. Die in silk pajamas.

Heighten drama by being abandoned by all of your so-called friends, or go the opposite route and be surrounded by mourners who wish they'd appreciated you more.

Marie Duplessis's tomb

Tag urself, I'm #liveafastpacedlifestylethatweakensyourimmunesystem.

5 Ways to Dress Up Your Mental Illness for the Holidays

The conversation around mental illness is getting better and more open, but your conversations with your Aunt Tamara are only getting more strained and less fun. Since you can't Marie Kondo your family (maybe you should, though), here's a couple cute, festive ideas for dressing up your mental illness for the holidays!

1. "I'm an artist."

This way, your mood swings and outbursts are simply the results of creative energy. You weren't crying in your room while you were supposed to be helping to cook potatoes- that was practice for an audition.

2. Blame your love life.

Even if your family doesn't understand the very real effects of chemicals misbehaving in your brain, they will commiserate with you over being a star-crossed or jilted lover. 

3. Be the "Quirky Cousin"

Everyone in the family has to have their "thing". Since your cousins already have career success and fulfilling family life covered, you've got to have something. So, the new, edgy haircut is definitely not the result of a psychological break you had last week. It's a daring look to show your individuality.

4. Get holiday-themed pajamas

That way, when you don't get dressed in the morning, it'll look like you're being festive. Having a few tacky sweaters to rotate through will help the look. Also, curl up with a cozy blanket and hot cocoa. Again, if anybody asks, you're being festive for the winter season! Not paralyzed by depression!

5. As an absolute last resort, redirect the conversation to politics. Then everyone will be so angry and sad you won't stand out!

Tag urself, I'm #i'manartist.

Alternative Life Paths #1: Build Your Own Mud Hut and Live in it

Concept brutally stolen at pencilpoint from the hilarious Abbey Perez.


Rat race got you down? Stressed between your desperate attempt at an unreachable artistic immortality and your literal need for food and medical care? Bored of tv?

Follow this simple guide and you'll be on your brand new life path in no time!

Step 1. 

Sell all of your possessions so you have at least enough money for a bus ticket. 

Step 2. 

Take a bus into the desert.



Step 3. 

Build a mud hut from mud and sustainable reclaimed wood. For more details on performing this step, google "build a mud hut from mud and sustainable reclaimed wood".



Step 4. 

Live in the mud hut, caring for your small garden (you should have built it in Step 3) and peacefully communing with snakes (they like to be invited to things even if they don't have the time to come over. It just makes them feel good so you might as well invite them).

https://www.deviantart.com/excessiveexpression/art/SNAKE-IN-A-SUIT-182831235

Step 5. 

Die in the mud hut, happy in your naked, sunbaked ignorance.



There it is, five simple steps to follow your dreams and love the life you live! Comment below if you find success with this method.

Tag urself, I'm #takeabusintothedesert.