8 Completely Legal Ways to Feel Like a Punk Anarchist

You want to fight the machine, same as anybody. But that machine can put you in jail or fire you.

So, if you're a scaredy-cat who wants to keep your job, how can you expend some of that hardcore energy? 

Try any of these 10 completely legal ways to feel like a punk anarchist, and pretty soon, you'll have all of the pleasure of a mohawk with none of the social stigma.

1. Buy the literature. 

There are plenty of punk books out there you can put on your teak coffee table. Invite a friend over and gesture at the book casually, so they know you're intellectually tearing down the state. 

Make sure you get one that looks extra punk. Like it's all red cover with a very small title, or looks like a laminated pamphlet, but it's $200. 

2. Call in sick when you're not sick.

How is your boss going to know? Send a doctor?

No, your boss isn't going to do that. And you've just stolen a whole day of sick pay from the machine. Nice. 

3. Plant a plant somewhere that isn't your property.

It's good for the environment, and you're adding a member to the ecosystem that wasn't planned by man's cruel structures. Neat!

4. Get an ice cream sample from an ice cream store but don't buy any ice cream.

You know they're only offering you a sample as part of the capitalist conspiracy to take your money and labor and siphon it right up the power structures that be. 

Spit in the face of capitalism by taking a sample and not buying anything. 

If doing this makes you feel too uncomfortable, say you're taste-testing for a company event that requires catering.

5. Get a motorcycle.

If the idea of hurtling down the road at highway-speeds on a machine that will hurl you skull-first into the concrete doesn't thrill you, keep the bike in your garage.

6. Vote for Mickey Mouse.

Yeah... yeah, that'll show them.

7. Change your profile picture to a funny animal who you don't even know.

You don't buy into this whole narcissistic scene. You're only on social media to follow post-ironic memes and watch the dumb***es fight over their meaningless "opinions".

At least that's what you can tell yourself when you change your picture to a famous dog or opossum. 

 8. Cut the sleeves off your shirt.

That's right. You want no restrictions, no boundaries. You don't even want boundaries for your upper arm fat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CWNOSaAJFw

THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE. 

Tag urself, I'm #buytheliterature.

Alternative Life Path #2: Consumptive Courtesan

Rat race got you down? Stressed between your desperate attempt at an unreachable artistic immortality and your literal need for food and medical care? Bored of tv?

Follow this simple guide and you'll be on your brand new life path in no time!

1. Move to Paris.

This may seem like an expensive first step, but you have to consider it an investment. There's no better place to find aristocracy, theater owners, and artists to pay for your upkeep.

Edouard Manet, Nana, 1877

2. Be charming, brash, and bold.

Pretty soon, you'll find men are throwing money at you and all the tabloids want to write about you. Ka-ching!

Make sure to be true to your own personal style while you talk up potential gentlemen in the balcony seats.

Liane de Pugy, bisexual Belle Epoque courtesan-authoress

3. Live a fast-paced lifestyle that weakens your immune system.

Everyone will think your red cheeks are a charming and pretty sign of excitement and exertion, while they're really a sign of a popular deadly disease.

If this step is taking too long, hold a "consumption party" (real thing, look it up).

Marie Duplessis, "The Lady of the Camellias"

4. Have a fight with your primary lover.

He should be a poor artist who understands your true nature better than the fashionable, rich men you usually bed.

However, you should also fight constantly, so make sure his understanding of your true nature is not too understanding.

Greta Garbo and Robert Taylor in Camille (1936)

5. Die in silk pajamas.

Heighten drama by being abandoned by all of your so-called friends, or go the opposite route and be surrounded by mourners who wish they'd appreciated you more.

Marie Duplessis's tomb

Tag urself, I'm #liveafastpacedlifestylethatweakensyourimmunesystem.

10 Quick Ways to Feel Like a Heroine in a Novel

Let’s face it- life is dull. Books are exciting. Things happen to people in them, and people have feelings. Exhilarating!

Bring that kind of excitement into your daily life with these quick ways to feel like a heroine in a novel. Romance and adventure not guaranteed.


1. Dye your hair brown. 

Getting the right shade can be difficult. It needs to look to you like the plainest plain of the plain browns, but to others like a sumptuous chestnut shade. Give those exact instructions to your hairstylist.

Anne Hathaway in any movie is a great example.

2. Lock eyes with a stranger across the room. 

They can be either an attractive or menacing stranger. Preferably both.

3. Have a huge spat with your friends and family, causing a temporary to permanent separation, putting you in a liminal space where you undergo new experiences and meet new people who bring you to a new stage of self-awareness.

4. Trip and fall. 

Bonus points if you get an injury as well as an illness that keeps you in bed for weeks. Make sure your mom knows to let the love of your life sit by your bedside in concern.

5. Be an orphan. 

If you’re not already an orphan, this step can be tricky, but a true plucky heroine never gives up!

6. Move to a new school or, if you can’t move right now, fall in love with the new kid. 

If he’s pretty gross, start by being enemies. Over time, your arguments will show each other your true selves!

7. Join an institution that will undermine and underestimate you. 

Such as any job at any company!

8. Seek a mentor. 

Preferably in a mountain somewhere. Bonus points if they’re cranky. If you can’t get to a mountain, you can take karate at your local community center.

9. Cultivate a dark secret or hidden sexual fantasy. 

If you don’t really have one, a quick way to get one is to borrow $20 from a friend and not pay them back. Or sell your soul in exchange for everlasting life.

10. Constantly talk about how all your friends are books, you’re so introverted and clever, and did we mention all of your friends are books?

https://me.me/i/josh-gondelman-follow-joshgondelman-not-to-brag-but-i-sigh-3e8c5c8f02e4494e9adee9df9a1d7fac

Tag urself, I'm #allofmyfriendsarebooks.