8 Completely Legal Ways to Feel Like a Punk Anarchist

You want to fight the machine, same as anybody. But that machine can put you in jail or fire you.

So, if you're a scaredy-cat who wants to keep your job, how can you expend some of that hardcore energy? 

Try any of these 10 completely legal ways to feel like a punk anarchist, and pretty soon, you'll have all of the pleasure of a mohawk with none of the social stigma.

1. Buy the literature. 

There are plenty of punk books out there you can put on your teak coffee table. Invite a friend over and gesture at the book casually, so they know you're intellectually tearing down the state. 

Make sure you get one that looks extra punk. Like it's all red cover with a very small title, or looks like a laminated pamphlet, but it's $200. 

2. Call in sick when you're not sick.

How is your boss going to know? Send a doctor?

No, your boss isn't going to do that. And you've just stolen a whole day of sick pay from the machine. Nice. 

3. Plant a plant somewhere that isn't your property.

It's good for the environment, and you're adding a member to the ecosystem that wasn't planned by man's cruel structures. Neat!

4. Get an ice cream sample from an ice cream store but don't buy any ice cream.

You know they're only offering you a sample as part of the capitalist conspiracy to take your money and labor and siphon it right up the power structures that be. 

Spit in the face of capitalism by taking a sample and not buying anything. 

If doing this makes you feel too uncomfortable, say you're taste-testing for a company event that requires catering.

5. Get a motorcycle.

If the idea of hurtling down the road at highway-speeds on a machine that will hurl you skull-first into the concrete doesn't thrill you, keep the bike in your garage.

6. Vote for Mickey Mouse.

Yeah... yeah, that'll show them.

7. Change your profile picture to a funny animal who you don't even know.

You don't buy into this whole narcissistic scene. You're only on social media to follow post-ironic memes and watch the dumb***es fight over their meaningless "opinions".

At least that's what you can tell yourself when you change your picture to a famous dog or opossum. 

 8. Cut the sleeves off your shirt.

That's right. You want no restrictions, no boundaries. You don't even want boundaries for your upper arm fat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CWNOSaAJFw

THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE. 

Tag urself, I'm #buytheliterature.

10 Things Comedians Are Tired of Hearing

Every comedian, especially those who are chilling in the drunken streets of Amateur-ville, will have heard all these things many, many times.

If you have comedian friends or expect to ever talk to one (which you will if you live in LA, we're clogging your streets like refuse after a hurricane), please read and avoid these phrases. 

Otherwise, I guarantee you'll end up a flattering bit in someone's stand-up. Or worse: a character in their underground sketch comedy show.

1. "Oh, you're a comedian? Seth Rogen is awesome."

Good for Seth Rogen. Bad for us. Now every open mic is full of dudes who think being their vaguely-stoned selves is entertainment.

2. "My friends all think I should be a comedian."

Glad to hear you're up to Troy's high standards while you play World of Warcraft.

3. "Here's how comedy works... [even though I have never in my life attempted stand-up, and you have just told me you have been performing for several years now]"

Do I tell you how to be unemployed? No. Don't tell me my business and I won't tell you yours.

4. "What a sweet gig. You just stand in front of people and say whatever comes into your head."

Yes, whatever comes into my head after hours of practice, three bombed performances, and a plethora of audition rejections. Also crying.

 5. "Tell me a joke."

Give me $20 and you've got a deal. Mama don't work for free. 

 

  6. "I've got an idea for your act."

God, no. I don't care if Troy thought it was hilarious when you were playing Call of Duty, I don't need your bit about [censored] screwing [censored] in front of [definitely censored].  

7. "I bet you hate having to be PC all the time."

I hate systemic oppression and sexual violence more. So no, I don't mind having a social conscience. Turns out I can make jokes without being offensive! Wow!

8. "I met [old comedian] once. He was pretty cool."

Can he get me a gig? No? Then I don't care that he screamed and jumped around onstage in the 90s. 

9. "You take classes to be funny? Shouldn't that just be natural talent?"

 Not all of us are as gifted as you are, guy-in-bar who keeps quoting Tosh.0.

10. "You should go do open mics and get discovered."

Thanks, I hadn't thought of that. I've just been doing stand-up in my bathroom mirror and crying.  

 

The golden rule: If you don't have anything informed by your personal experience to say, don't say anything at all!  

Tag urself, I'm #youtakeclassestobefunny?