Tuesday, December 24, 2019

10 Gifts Literally No One But Your Mom Would Want

Crap. Christmas is tomorrow. You know your mom is going to shower you in presents and do the whole "I grew you in my womb" bit again. 

You want to give her something awesome. But mom brains are weird. They don't want stuff that normal people want. 

As she will no doubt remind you, nothing you give will ever amount to the gift of life. But you can give it a damn good try with any of these fun, cheap gift ideas!

1. Evidence you have friends and are supporting yourself.
Take a bank statement and staple it to a framed picture of you out with friends on a sunny day. Don't try and send it electronically. She'll either lose it or print it out anyway.

2. A grandchild to take care of for a month.
Literally nobody else would think being forced to provide childcare is a fun adventure, but your mom wants to take care of your kid and see if you ruined it. Your dad won't thank you, but thanking you isn't really his thing, anyway.

3. Move out.
She'll be so proud. 

4. Move back in.
To be honest, she didn't want you to leave in the first place. Now she can stop having nightmares about you getting kidnapped in the Big City and get back to cooking you huge meals while pointing out your weight gain.

5. Three pairs of the same sunglasses.
That way, when she leaves them at the gym, in her car, at your place, at her work, in Target, in the bathroom, in the purse she left at the movies, etc., she'll have a spare. And then another spare. Come to think of it, just get a sunglasses subscription service. 

6. A trip she doesn't have to plan.
It doesn't even have to be a big trip. Even just to the local supermarket. But if she can get in the car and go along for the ride without having to worry about every little detail, it'll be like the French Riviera without the sunburn and gambling. 

Image result for moms forgetful memes"

7. Get Dad out of the house for an afternoon.
This might seem counter-intuitive. Why would I give Dad an outing as a gift to Mom? Doesn't Mom want to go somewhere with us? No. Mom wants to sit at home for once and watch what she wants on TV without your dad switching between three action movies starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 

8. A poem you wrote.
Seriously, this shit goes down like fireworks. She'll probably cry. It'll be great. Just don't be dumb and use something you actually wrote. Steal it online. 

Image result for giving mom a poem meme"
Music lyrics are good too, but only if she's never heard it.

9. Get a better boyfriend/girlfriend/personfriend for her to meet.
Somebody with a job, for chrissake. It'll make her so happy. But she has to meet them and they have to make a good impression, otherwise it won't work and when you say "My personfriend" she's going to hear "mysterious possible-murderer-drug-dealer". 

10. A funny mug or magnet.

They're like two dollars but moms go apeshit over them. 

Image result for funny mom mugs"

Congrats! Now you're the best child. Take that, your dumb brothers and sisters who just got mom gift cards and blankets. 

Tag urself, I'm #apoemyouwrote.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

10 Things Comedians Are Tired of Hearing

Every comedian, especially those who are chilling in the drunken streets of Amateur-ville, will have heard all these things many, many times.

If you have comedian friends or expect to ever talk to one (which you will if you live in LA, we're clogging your streets like refuse after a hurricane), please read and avoid these phrases. 

Otherwise, I guarantee you'll end up a flattering bit in someone's stand-up. Or worse: a character in their underground sketch comedy show.

1. "Oh, you're a comedian? Seth Rogen is awesome."
Good for Seth Rogen. Bad for us. Now every open mic is full of dudes who think being their vaguely-stoned selves is entertainment.

Image result for seth rogen memes"

2. "My friends all think I should be a comedian."
Glad to hear you're up to Troy's high standards while you play World of Warcraft.

Image result for laughing at my own jokes meme"

3. "Here's how comedy works... [even though I have never in my life attempted stand-up, and you have just told me you have been performing for several years now]"

Do I tell you how to be unemployed? No. Don't tell me my business and I won't tell you yours.

Image result for unemployment meme"

4. "What a sweet gig. You just stand in front of people and say whatever comes into your head."
Yes, whatever comes into my head after hours of practice, three bombed performances, and a plethora of audition rejections. Also crying.

Image result for audition rejection meme"

 5. "Tell me a joke."

Give me $20 and you've got a deal. Mama don't work for free. 

Image result for comedian memes" 
  6. "I've got an idea for your act."
God, no. I don't care if Troy thought it was hilarious when you were playing Call of Duty, I don't need your bit about [censored] screwing [censored] in front of [definitely censored].  

7. "I bet you hate having to be PC all the time."

I hate systemic oppression and sexual violence more. So no, I don't mind having a social conscience. Turns out I can make jokes without being offensive! Wow!

8. "I met [old comedian] once. He was pretty cool."

Can he get me a gig? No? Then I don't care that he screamed and jumped around onstage in the 90s. 

Image result for 90s comedy memes"

9. "You take classes to be funny? Shouldn't that just be natural talent?"

 Not all of us are as gifted as you are, guy-in-bar who keeps quoting Tosh.0.

Image result for guy at bar meme"

10. "You should go do open mics and get discovered."

Thanks, I hadn't thought of that. I've just been doing stand-up in my bathroom mirror and crying.  
 Image result for open mics meme"

The golden rule: If you don't have anything informed by your personal experience to say, don't say anything at all!  

Tag urself, I'm #youtakeclassestobefunny?