Wednesday, September 25, 2019

10 Times Rappers Weren't Hard

To preface this, I know I should not be the arbiter of what is “hard”, has “swag”, or literally anything that requires you to be tough enough to not need a nightlight. But some of these lyrics were so egregiously unimpressive I felt I had to say something.

And if people get mad at me about all these controversial opinions over their favorite rappers, yahoo! More clicks.

Can’t wait to hear what obvious meanings I missed about these quotes that are references to some kind of violence or drug I’ve never heard of.

“Used to eat leftovers out the fridge.” - Both, Gucci Mane & Drake
So has literally everyone who's ever bought a medium-sized plate from a Chinese restaurant, Drake.

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“So low we were eating dog food.”-Z-ro
Okay, Z-ro, I love you, please don’t kill me. But I’ve been to Petsmart. Dog food is actually pretty expensive. You can definitely get some cheap-ass canned human food for less. Or ramen noodles. I would have been slightly more impressed by, “So low we were eating ramen noodles. Not the good kind, the 49-cent kind” (I love that shizz). That would mean rock bottom. If you’re forking over money for dog food, you’re making a choice.

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“Shortie mixing up the vodka with the LeCroix.” Wow, Post Malone
This is the mildest thing out of the mouth of an already mild rapper. I appreciate the line, “Used to have a lot but I’ve got more now” because that’s just honest and points to how he took the blessings he was born with and turned it into global success. But this… this makes me think they’re at a party with the kind of people who first off, won’t drink vodka straight, and second, have only sparkly water as their mixer. This does not scream “off the hook party” like I think he was hoping it would. Also, how wholesome that everyone in this party walks in and says, “Wow.”

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“Back home smoking legal.” - Going Bad, Meek Mill ft. Drake
Drake is very excited to get high within the letter of the law. 

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“Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba. I just bite it. It's for the look I don't light it.” -Get Jiggy With It, Will Smith
Will Smith is a national treasure of a cutie and we should do whatever necessary to preserve him.

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“Telling that girl she the one for me, and I ain’t even planning to call.” Forever, Drake & Eminem & Lil’ Wayne & Kanye West
Drake. Again. This is like, low-level douchebag behavior. Medium-level if you actually sleep with her and then never call. But you’re not even saying you’re sleeping with her. Are we supposed to implicitly assume that you’ve sealed the deal with this line, and ascended to mid-level douchebag?

“Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that's why they call it window pane” - Love the Way You Lie, Eminem.
Boo on you, Eminem, for letting this bad pun get into your song. You’re better than this.

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“When I’m onstage show me boobies” - Quavo, Bad and Boujee
Quavo… Have you not seen breasts before? This sounds like a ten year old boy telling his friends why he wants to be a rapper someday. “And all the girls will show me their boobies.”

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“I like mornings”- the radio version of Money, Cardi B
Okay, this one isn’t her fault. But the radio version of Money just butchers it and changes her “I like morning sex” to declaring she’s a wholesome early riser. Just let her say sex. She doesn’t like mornings. She likes sex. But not as much as money. Just let it on the radio. I promise all of us youths won’t get any more sinful than we already are.
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Ah... Beautiful. So peaceful in the morning.
Anything G-Eazy ever says.

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I looked and looked and looked at Kendrick Lamar lyrics and found nothing. The man is a gift like Will Smith but in a very different way and his records should be preserved in a time capsule. Let me know if y’all can find a not-hard lyric from Kendrick though, or any of your favorite rappers!

God, I love microjudging people who are richer than I can ever hope to comprehend. Feels good knowing they made $1mil while I wrote this.

Tag urself, I’m #usedtoeatleftoversinsidethefridge.