10 Gifts Literally No One But Your Mom Would Want

Crap. Christmas is tomorrow. You know your mom is going to shower you in presents and do the whole "I grew you in my womb" bit again. 

You want to give her something awesome. But mom brains are weird. They don't want stuff that normal people want. 

As she will no doubt remind you, nothing you give will ever amount to the gift of life. But you can give it a damn good try with any of these fun, cheap gift ideas!

1. Evidence you have friends and are supporting yourself.

Take a bank statement and staple it to a framed picture of you out with friends on a sunny day. Don't try and send it electronically. She'll either lose it or print it out anyway.

2. A grandchild to take care of for a month.

Literally nobody else would think being forced to provide childcare is a fun adventure, but your mom wants to take care of your kid and see if you ruined it. Your dad won't thank you, but thanking you isn't really his thing, anyway.

3. Move out.

She'll be so proud. 

4. Move back in.

To be honest, she didn't want you to leave in the first place. Now she can stop having nightmares about you getting kidnapped in the Big City and get back to cooking you huge meals while pointing out your weight gain.

5. Three pairs of the same sunglasses.

That way, when she leaves them at the gym, in her car, at your place, at her work, in Target, in the bathroom, in the purse she left at the movies, etc., she'll have a spare. And then another spare. Come to think of it, just get a sunglasses subscription service. 

6. A trip she doesn't have to plan.

It doesn't even have to be a big trip. Even just to the local supermarket. But if she can get in the car and go along for the ride without having to worry about every little detail, it'll be like the French Riviera without the sunburn and gambling. 

7. Get Dad out of the house for an afternoon.

This might seem counter-intuitive. Why would I give Dad an outing as a gift to Mom? Doesn't Mom want to go somewhere with us? No. Mom wants to sit at home for once and watch what she wants on TV without your dad switching between three action movies starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 

8. A poem you wrote.

Seriously, this shit goes down like fireworks. She'll probably cry. It'll be great. Just don't be dumb and use something you actually wrote. Steal it online. 

Music lyrics are good too, but only if she's never heard it.

9. Get a better boyfriend/girlfriend/personfriend for her to meet.

Somebody with a job, for chrissake. It'll make her so happy. But she has to meet them and they have to make a good impression, otherwise it won't work and when you say "My personfriend" she's going to hear "mysterious possible-murderer-drug-dealer". 

10. A funny mug or magnet.

They're like two dollars but moms go apeshit over them. 

Congrats! Now you're the best child. Take that, your dumb brothers and sisters who just got mom gift cards and blankets. 

Tag urself, I'm #apoemyouwrote.

5 Ways to Dress Up Your Mental Illness for the Holidays

The conversation around mental illness is getting better and more open, but your conversations with your Aunt Tamara are only getting more strained and less fun. Since you can't Marie Kondo your family (maybe you should, though), here's a couple cute, festive ideas for dressing up your mental illness for the holidays!

1. "I'm an artist."

This way, your mood swings and outbursts are simply the results of creative energy. You weren't crying in your room while you were supposed to be helping to cook potatoes- that was practice for an audition.

2. Blame your love life.

Even if your family doesn't understand the very real effects of chemicals misbehaving in your brain, they will commiserate with you over being a star-crossed or jilted lover. 

3. Be the "Quirky Cousin"

Everyone in the family has to have their "thing". Since your cousins already have career success and fulfilling family life covered, you've got to have something. So, the new, edgy haircut is definitely not the result of a psychological break you had last week. It's a daring look to show your individuality.

4. Get holiday-themed pajamas

That way, when you don't get dressed in the morning, it'll look like you're being festive. Having a few tacky sweaters to rotate through will help the look. Also, curl up with a cozy blanket and hot cocoa. Again, if anybody asks, you're being festive for the winter season! Not paralyzed by depression!

5. As an absolute last resort, redirect the conversation to politics. Then everyone will be so angry and sad you won't stand out!

Tag urself, I'm #i'manartist.