8 Completely Legal Ways to Feel Like a Punk Anarchist

You want to fight the machine, same as anybody. But that machine can put you in jail or fire you.

So, if you're a scaredy-cat who wants to keep your job, how can you expend some of that hardcore energy? 

Try any of these 10 completely legal ways to feel like a punk anarchist, and pretty soon, you'll have all of the pleasure of a mohawk with none of the social stigma.

1. Buy the literature. 

There are plenty of punk books out there you can put on your teak coffee table. Invite a friend over and gesture at the book casually, so they know you're intellectually tearing down the state. 

Make sure you get one that looks extra punk. Like it's all red cover with a very small title, or looks like a laminated pamphlet, but it's $200. 

2. Call in sick when you're not sick.

How is your boss going to know? Send a doctor?

No, your boss isn't going to do that. And you've just stolen a whole day of sick pay from the machine. Nice. 

3. Plant a plant somewhere that isn't your property.

It's good for the environment, and you're adding a member to the ecosystem that wasn't planned by man's cruel structures. Neat!

4. Get an ice cream sample from an ice cream store but don't buy any ice cream.

You know they're only offering you a sample as part of the capitalist conspiracy to take your money and labor and siphon it right up the power structures that be. 

Spit in the face of capitalism by taking a sample and not buying anything. 

If doing this makes you feel too uncomfortable, say you're taste-testing for a company event that requires catering.

5. Get a motorcycle.

If the idea of hurtling down the road at highway-speeds on a machine that will hurl you skull-first into the concrete doesn't thrill you, keep the bike in your garage.

6. Vote for Mickey Mouse.

Yeah... yeah, that'll show them.

7. Change your profile picture to a funny animal who you don't even know.

You don't buy into this whole narcissistic scene. You're only on social media to follow post-ironic memes and watch the dumb***es fight over their meaningless "opinions".

At least that's what you can tell yourself when you change your picture to a famous dog or opossum. 

 8. Cut the sleeves off your shirt.

That's right. You want no restrictions, no boundaries. You don't even want boundaries for your upper arm fat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CWNOSaAJFw

THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM FEELS LIKE. 

Tag urself, I'm #buytheliterature.

5 Ways the Internet Has Probably Ruined Me

I can buy Christmas gifts naked in bed in like, five minutes. Glad it's the thought that counts and not effort or time.



Whatever badly-thought-out, prejudiced opinion I have, I can find a massive subculture that supports that opinion and has websites dedicated to it as an eternal truth.

Even small amounts of quiet time for introspection are too overwhelming. I’ve started pulling out webcomics to glance at while waiting for crosswalk lights to change. Anything but consider myself and my flaws, please.



The level of stalking that used to take three days and access to a microfiche (look it up, you’ve seen it in every horror film) now takes three minutes and I can do it while on the toilet. Goodbye closure, hello “checking in” just to “see how they’re doing” with their “new girlfriend”.

I create short, slang-filled blogs for my own amusement and then force them out into the world when neither they nor the audience is ready. Then I link it to my freelance profile to try and convince other people to let me write things for them. Thus, the reign of my words expand and you shall never escape my thoughts.

The internet sure is convenient, though! So that’s nice.

Tag urself, I’m #shortslangfilledblogs