Wednesday, February 12, 2020

8 Ways to Escalate a Situation and Make it Much, Much Worse

You've done it. Said the wrong thing, insulted somebody, brought up an unpopular political opinion.

There are a number of ways to make the situation calm down again so everyone can enjoy it.

But you're a complex person with thoughts! Those thoughts are really important! People should have to hear them and have big emotional reactions to them! 

Here's 8 ways to make sure you keep control of the situation by fanning the flames until it's a shouting match. That'll show them!

1. Refuse to stop talking about a topic even when explicitly asked to stop.

If the words, "No, I want to talk about this!" come out of your mouth, you've probably just doubled everyone's discomfort. 

Nice work! Now all eyes and ears will be on you and your important thoughts for the next hour. 

2. Use "I" statements.

Such as "I want," "I think," and definitely "I know." Be careful not to accidentally show the common ground between your perspective and the other party's. 

Don't use "I feel," because it suggests your opinions are based on subjective "emotion", rather than ROCK HARD FACT. 

3. Laugh. 

This one only works if the situation is already past the first stages of escalation, because laughter can often be misinterpreted as a friendly or conciliatory gesture. 

To avoid this confusion, only laugh at things the other party considers extremely important and not at all a joking matter. 

4. Over text, use capital letters.

It takes an extra button click, but taking the time to hit the uppercase-lock will make it clear that you are yelling, even over a medium that is devoid of emotion and gives you time to cool down between responses. 

5. Bring up an ex, family member, coworker, boss, toxic friend, literally anyone you've ever had a negative experience with, and accuse the other party of being anything like that person.

This works even better if you accuse the other party of being like somebody in their own past that they hate. 

6. Tell the other person to calm down, be rational, or "chill."

This will immediately press their murder-button and bring the convo up ten notches rage-wise.

7. Ascribe their feelings to causes that aren't you or this conversation.

"You had a tough day at work, that's why you're upset," and "Don't take your liberal rage out on me because Trump's president," both work very well.

8. This one might be a surprise!...

Say, "You're entitled to your opinion."

It translates to, "That's an ass-faced opinion from an ass-face," while also implicitly patting yourself on the back for being the more tolerant one. Double whammy!

Tag urself, I'm #overtextusecapitalletters.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

8 Completely Legal Ways to Feel Like a Punk Anarchist

You want to fight the machine, same as anybody. But that machine can put you in jail or fire you.

So, if you're a scaredy-cat who wants to keep your job, how can you expend some of that hardcore energy? 

Try any of these 10 completely legal ways to feel like a punk anarchist, and pretty soon, you'll have all of the pleasure of a mohawk with none of the social stigma.

1. Buy the literature. 

There are plenty of punk books out there you can put on your teak coffee table. Invite a friend over and gesture at the book casually, so they know you're intellectually tearing down the state. 

Make sure you get one that looks extra punk. Like it's all red cover with a very small title, or looks like a laminated pamphlet, but it's $200. 

2. Call in sick when you're not sick.

How is your boss going to know? Send a doctor?

No, your boss isn't going to do that. And you've just stolen a whole day of sick pay from the machine. Nice. 

3. Plant a plant somewhere that isn't your property.

It's good for the environment, and you're adding a member to the ecosystem that wasn't planned by man's cruel structures. Neat!

4. Get an ice cream sample from an ice cream store but don't buy any ice cream.

You know they're only offering you a sample as part of the capitalist conspiracy to take your money and labor and siphon it right up the power structures that be. 

Spit in the face of capitalism by taking a sample and not buying anything. 

If doing this makes you feel too uncomfortable, say you're taste-testing for a company event that requires catering.

5. Get a motorcycle.

If the idea of hurtling down the road at highway-speeds on a machine that will hurl you skull-first into the concrete doesn't thrill you, keep the bike in your garage.

6. Vote for Mickey Mouse.

Yeah... yeah, that'll show them.

7. Change your profile picture to a funny animal who you don't even know.

You don't buy into this whole narcissistic scene. You're only on social media to follow post-ironic memes and watch the dumb***es fight over their meaningless "opinions".

At least that's what you can tell yourself when you change your picture to a famous dog or opossum. 

 8. Cut the sleeves off your shirt.

That's right. You want no restrictions, no boundaries. You don't even want boundaries for your upper arm fat.


Tag urself, I'm #buytheliterature.