Wednesday, September 11, 2019

5 Girls You Meet in Improv Class

I did the “5 Guys” list so I figured it would be only fair to make the “5 Girls” list.

If you haven’t taken an improv class before, get ready to meet some distinguished, funny ladies. If you have taken an improv class before, get ready to tag your friends.

Warning: If your response to this list is “girls aren’t funny” get off my blog and go take a timeout.

I’m Not Here to Make Friends

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You can tell by the way she grips her “Dream Big, Starchild” blue-glitter notebook that she means business. Her handwriting is perfect, her messy bun carefully arranged so as to keep hair out of her face during the important work of pretending to be a talking chicken, and after each scene, the force of her affirming nods at the teacher’s notes could be harnessed as a clean energy source, so great is their spring-loaded power. She’s going to be a star, and you’d better not get in her way. She generally does not complete the program.

I Am Here to Make Friends

Her casual attitude and kooky t-shirts mean everyone is clambering to talk to her at break time. She’s just as interested in knowing your favorite bands and what tv shows you’re watching as she is in knowing your acting credits. She’s the first one to set up a group chat and invite everyone out for drinks. She’s feeling herself and living her best life, one day at a time. And goddamn her, she’s really, really funny.

Please Love Me

Her adrenaline-fueled shaking is a full-bodied panic attack that occurs every time she steps foot on stage. Her smile is consistent, an ever-present shield that does her no good at all. When receiving feedback, she stares at the instructor like he’s putting her up for adoption. It’d be enough to make you cry, if you weren’t also panicking and desperate for accolades.

Fifth-Dimension-Level Self-Awareness

This performer always seems to know exactly what went wrong in every one of her scenes but is powerless to stop it. Like a clairvoyant with painfully specific powers, she can read the instructor’s mind and inform them of the moment the scene went down-hill and what she could have done better. The instructor does not have to say a word, she’s already chastised herself, like a medieval serf putting themselves into the stock. “Yes, yes ma’am, I asked a question, punish me with twenty hours of being mocked and trash dumped on me! Yes, yes, here, I’ll just lock this up and you let me out when I’ve learned to keep my energy up.” 
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Her consciousness expanding to include not only her flaws, but her meta-flaws.

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Fake Humble

Bitch you know you’re good, we know you’re good. Just stop it. Own that shit and ascend to the higher ranks of comedic glory like Saint Amy and Saint Tina want you to.

Tag urself, on a good day I’m #fakehumble, on a normal day I’m #pleaseloveme.

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